All Aboard the Crazy Train

So much has happened since the last blog. I'm not even sure where to really begin. I guess the biggest and best news, on some days, is that I have a boyfriend. I know...insane, right!? Me? I actually found one that made it past two weeks. His name is Adam and I met him at work. Usually, I would frown at workplace romances but I figure that I'm not in a position to be choosy if settling down and having a family is what I want. At one point in time, that was my dream. Somewhere down the road, reality got in the way and showed me what a couple of douche bags could do to a girl's self-esteem, hopes and future plans.
Luckily, after so many frogs, I think I may have found my prince (fingers crossed, holding tightly to a lucky 4-leaf clover in one hand and a rabbit's foot in the other, all while wishing desperately on a shooting star!) The past few weeks have been amazing if a bit unrealistic. I knew on our first date that I was going to be with Adam for a long time. It was like everything I've ever heard about, and didn't believe, about FATE and realizing your soul mate when you meet them. I remember the moment, to the minute, during the date that this heaviness came over me and that was it. Apparently, he felt the same way, not at that exact moment, but he knew that I was going to be someone significant in his life, probably before I did because he's a lot more open with his feelings and emotions than I am. I actually tried to fight it for awhile but then just gave up after a couple weeks.
The ripple in this beautiful picture, is me. I have never been bitter about anything that has happened in my past. In fact, I think I handled most of it with a lot of grace and quietly moved on. With that said, each new pain left its own scar and I've become overly cautious and suspicious of any man that comes into my life. Adam included. The difference with him is, when I'm with him, I think of nothing else except the possibilities of what could be, how happy he makes me and how in love with him I am. We've been together for a little less than a month and I'm already head over heels for him. The best thing is that he is in love with me, too. Adam has never been anything except open and honest with me, about everything. He's been different from any other guy I've ever met in the way he treats me, responds to me and communicates with me. The problem is when I'm NOT with him. That's when the demons surface and cause me to start overanalyzing conversations, question his every motive and just generally, try to sabotage myself and our relationship. I know, it's crazy. It's like everything I've ever wanted is finally happening and I'm trying to find ways to make it less genuine if that makes sense.
I used to live by this quote by Marilyn Monroe, "A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe and leaves before she is left." It was as if it epitomized everything that I was coming to believe about relationships. If you enter the relationship and leave on your terms, the risk of heartbreak significantly lessens. For the first time, I'm in an actual adult relationship that is built on honesty, passion and if nothing else, trust. I'm more terrified than I have ever been. Every day is an internal struggle to stay, fight and NOT run. If I'm honest with myself, the only thing keeping me grounded is the way my heart wants to explode with happiness every time I see him.
Now, I'm not waiting for my prince to come; I'm hoping against all odds that I get to keep him and just let myself be happy.